erikasnuggles

i currently very much enjoy:
being naked; as much as possible
my Bon Iver station on Pandora Radio
my own bed/privacy (so i can be naked)
falling in love! his name is Bevan.

i currently am looking forward to:
BFD (seeing yeah yeah yeahs, 311, metric, cage the elephant, etc)
CAMP CAMP CAMP-my whole life revolves around these sacred 6 weeks when i am thrown into the forest with 25 other young adults/strangers and flawlessly we seem to become one family while working with some of the CRAZIEST youth i have ever encountered. youth from inner cities will keep you on your toes.
going up to Humboldt for a week to see Bevan

-went to my first wedding
-worked at my first wedding
          -lesbian wedding
-got drunk at the shark land
-uncle visited from NY
          -dads identical twin (who's gay)
-SF MOMA
-SF ALL DAY
            -california = lame
            -rallied and marched and cried and screamed for gay marriage rights
-camera works
-shot 5 rolls of film in the city
-video chat every day with Bevan
-really really like bevan
             -is going to go back up to humboldt to be with him for a little bit
-can't wait for camp
-question friendships
-get high occasionally
-got a 3.9 gpa suckas.

i am so excited for thursday, my dance performances begin. I am in 6 shows, and my mom is coming up here to see it! That is all I want to write about....because everything else is not so simple and nice, but overall things are good.
I'm the one in the middle....these are not our real costumes...but our real ones are not much better.

I think I am an artist. All the work on my model mayhem account and deviant art display high quality photography in my opinion. dhfjghdjkfgnm so anyway, this weirdo emails me and says he saw my model mayhem and deviant art accounts and thinks I am quite lovely and wants to discuss paid work and tells me about what he does and sends me his link.

www.flexflicks.com


EW WHAT THE HELL right? I don't see how from my portfolio he thought i'd be into his work...how does he even know I am flexible? whaaaat. So i ignore it, and then he IMs me and gets all pissed off when i say I am not interested and then he wants to know why. So I said touching my toes in my thong and doing the splits with my crotch facing the camera is not my thing and how i am not into the trashy form of art that way (not publicly atleast) and he got all mad via IM. he was like fuck you my work is not trashy its sexy. And then he was tryingto defend his images that they do have composition.

internet people are weird. weird weird weird.

flexibility dressed like that is for the bedroom. baha


*edit**** this guy left me a snotty comment on one of my photographs saying how it lacks composition...I did take that picture when I was 15. ahh i'm freaked out though.

I am in Florida and soo sun burnt, I've been visiting my grandpa in his old people's home...enough said. I SO don't want to go back to school. fuck.

I am doing much better. I think i am healing.
I am in my bed at home.
I leave for Florida on sunday.
This semester is stressing me out.
The brand new Yeah Yeah Yeah's cd is fucking epic.
The song 'take off your cool' by outcast with norah jones is my new discovery/obsession, its not all fast and upbeat like there other stuff. Good for a contemporary dance piece.
I want to shoot and shoot and shoot (with my camera).
Tomorrow I am.

This week I got fitted for my dance costume, had about 5 hours of rehersal, did a promotion photo shoot for the show itself, and showed the dance to the department and the artsy set designers and lighting designers (who are all cute.) My body is sore. She made us start out running laps. Atleast I am working out here, it makes up for the intense case of the munchies every time I smoke weed. ahhh. Last night my roommate and I went downtown, got coffee at this cute place, listened to some odd acoustic bands, ate a weed brownie, walked around more, rented movies, came back, etc. My bed felt extra cozy. Today I'm doing laundry, hopefully doing homework, I ALREADY cleaned, and am going to work out for atleast an hour. I am horrible at self control. with everything. Spring break is next week. And I think I am also going home for a weekend at the end of April for my best friends birthday, theres also a show in SF we want to go to :)

I have not been updating very much, and when I do it is very sparse. My friend bought me a real paper journal for my birthday and I've been writing in that almost every night. There is somthing so satisfying about filling up the pages. WHo knows how the internet will be in 100 years. But my paper journals, I'll always have them. Plus on here I have to censor myself SO much....its no ones fault its just....my life NEEDS censoring.

I've been going through something quite difficult, and for me life altering.Course I can't say. Anyway, for this reason I drove home on Wednesday. I just needed my clean, quaint town. My amazing house. the cleanliness of it. My own room. My backyard. THE SUN. my MOM. a break. and some time to wrap my head around everything. It was a 6 hour drive and I did it alone and I felt very...powerful. Its something really...neat about making the drive in one swoop without stopping and seeing the 2 lane highway turn into a 6 lane high way. The forest turn to city lights. Its odd. and lovely.

Being at home has been fabulous. So good that it hurts thinking about going back up to school. Its not that I don't like it ... it is just HARD. School is overwhelming and stressful. I live in a shoe box sized room with 2 other girls (amazing girls who I call my best friends!) but still. I have no space, no breathing room, and no privacy. and it is SO rainy. Anyway...being at home was a breath of fresh air.

I know what changes I need to make. I know its going to take some work. I know that in time I will be able to not forget this incident....but file it away and learn from it. I refuse to let anything break me.

Yesterday I had a picnic with 2 friends and my spanky at one of the parks. It was also my brothers 23rd birthday so we had dinner at this fancy shmancy thai place. Today it was so sunny (well compared to where I go to school) that i wore a skimpy sun dress and (attempted) to TAN in the backyard while i read. I even brought out my i-home thing and DANCED in the yard. I realize I need to do these silly things, simply to make myself happy. Tonight I saw Coraline the film (SCARY) with one of my friends. I also went to the craft store and bought colored pencils, pens, and water colors and will ATTEMPT some art.

on Sunday I drive back up to school. Makes me a bit nauseas thinking about it. I need summer so bad. But i'll get through it.

I just bought both albums by The Jakes (listen on itune)s, I really like them. And I've been listening to the new coldplay album a lot as well. On amazon I bought the books ''Sensual Celibacy: The Sexy Woman's Guide to Using Abstinence for Recharging Your Spirit, Discovering Your Passions, Achieving Greater Intimacy in Your Next Relationship'' AND ''The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin: The New Sexual Revolution." Do NOT laugh about those purchases. really. Thank you.. ha.

The worst thing one can be is a hyprocrite.

I feel like he lurks around the corners waiting for me, to destroy everything.
he just can't seem to go away.

Things are not getting better, they are getting worse, progressively. I don't think I am meant to be here, and I don't really want to be, I'm just over it. My birthday was shitty, it wouldn't have been if people were capable of thinking about anyone besides themselves...but that would be too much to ask. I'm breaking, chipping away.

I don't know if all the stars are being aligned or what not. But things are looking up. The most intriguing guy I've ever met (I met him at a party ove break yada yada) has pretty much been hitch hiking all over the country. He has seen most states and has the most brillant of stories. Well anyway he passed through Humboldt so I picked him up last night and saw him again and he stayed over. meh, he makes me feel really good. Like...the constant flow of energy is just good and positive (crap that sounds so hippie), but does that make sense? He just utterly lives in the moment and lives for the purpose of living.  I admire his life course a lot. He had to head back south to drop off a friend who he promised he wouldnt abandon to travel alone but he says he will need to go back up to Oregon soon so he will see me again in 5 days or less. I don't allow my hopes to get up anymore because disappointment...but I really think i'll be seeing him again. My mother says that I would go for the "dirty hippie tattood boy that is searching for the true meaning of life" heh. I am happy.

I'm also doing a dance audition from 3-5 today..i hope it's fun and does not stress me out. I Had my dance class yesterday and it was so amazing. It was the perfect thing i needed. Not too hard that I am flustered but not too easy where I feel like the best...it was good and very fun. I think I might nap now.

Well I successfuly completed my 'big girl' drive up to school. I love having my car here now and just the idea that if I am having a bad day I can get in my car and go to the beach..or anywhere for that matter. Its shitty being back in my shoe box sized dorm with 2 other people but thats life, and i did miss those 2 terribly. Today i went and filled out some job applications at the mall. Fuck retail...but hey it would only be until May when school gets out. Its also unfortunate the mall is about 20 minutes from me. But Arcata is so small jobs don't seem so likely.we'll see. It is an exhausting process!

Back to class tomorrow. Lucky it's my light day, I don't have class until noon and its just math and then dance. I hope we actually get to dance a little...but probably not.

I'm content...but I still feel a little bleh. I feel like I need to put forth more effort in going out and doing things but its hard with such a small town. most things are on extremes like major parties, or major outdoor outdoorsy things. Meh. On saturday I think I am going to a coffee shop to see a couple bands play.

bleh.
 

I need to understand and believe that I can do so much better, which i can. I just ignore that...a lot. I can't allow myself to settle anymore..because it is draining on all levels!! I am excited about life.

I've spent the past 2 nights at Standford with Mike and it was really nice.
Now I feel lonely..sleeping alone. Sigh. I am so proud of that boy, he is graduating in May.
I miss my roommates quite a bit and think I am ready to depart Pleasanton and go on my first big girl drive (6 hours) up back to school.  Working on my resume for some jobs. Though by the time I start working it will probably be february and I am leaving for Summer break in May but i think it is still worth it. FINALLY got my grades, all A's and well...then there is biology. But i still managed a 3.3 which I am content with. I'm doing a photoshoot tomorrow in SF with Vanessa...I have NO visions going into this one because I don't even know where we're shooting. Should be interesting..doesn't much matter since she is such a good friend. I have an account on basically a networking site for photographers, models, stylists, etc. I decided to make a new account as a "model." There are some ridiculously talented photographers up in Humboldt county but their work is so raw (no photoshop nonsense) and a lot of them shoot only nude photography. Don't get me wrong I would like to frolic in nature naked to create art but i don't think thats my thing. Leaving for New Orleans on Monday...once again NO idea what to expect..most random vacation ever.

I feel empty.
typical.

I'm tired, and need to experience some sort of revelation. Break has been very good. Saw Reel big fish and streetlight manifesto. Last night when to a local show in Oakland. New Years was pretty epic...saw shiny toy guns in Sf and a funky club and then went to a party and drank too much. Then called up my ex from 3 years ago. He was the 1st person I kissed in 2009...what the fuck. haha. Been seeing my best friends a good deal, but still not enough.  I'm going to New Orleans next week...no idea what we are doing bu what to expect but I hope it is fun. Have not talked to mysterious hitch hiking boy for a couple days, I suppose that would happen with no cell minutes and being nomadic. Had to ''end'' it again, although it was already ended with ted. but i think he gets it now. Dreading going back to school, not humboldt. but the academic part is already stressing me out, i have soo many classes and back to back. I've made some poor choices but nothing devastating. It's been pretty interesting.

up to # eleven.

not sure how i feel.

intriguing #11.

winter break is weird.
i'm addicted to watching House.
tonight was the 1st night of hanukkah.
I've set up 2 photoshoots.
Camp party was amazing.